The best comebacks only come to you after you need them

As I was walking home from work today, a couple of guys ‘who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood’ (LOL, I can’t help myself but break into Fresh Prince especially when I set myself up so well with ‘a couple of guys’. There are only two other lines that I’d happily break normal conversation for to mimic if the time is right – firstly there’s when I do a pile of washing by myself that comes out without any discolouration, I imagine Farmer Hoggart looking down at me and saying “that’ll do pig, that’ll do” and then lying on the couch for the rest of the day seems completely justified; the second instance is when a waiter asks if I’d like the bill before I’ve been asked if I’d like to look at the dessert menu and the answer is always an impersonation of Djimon Hounsou’s character in Gladiator at the end where he says he’s going to join Russell Crowe’s character in heaven – I turn to the waiter and say rather defiantly, “not yet….not yet”. Oh God, now talk about massive side thought…haha now I’m thinking about English people with the surname “Sidebottom” hahahaha that will never get old….not yet….not yet). 

Ok back to the guys on the bench when I was walking home from work. There was a group of people aged similar to myself, dressed casually, just lounging on the bench drinking, having just finished a midday BBQ. Anyway as I walked passed, one of the group yelled out “Yeah just keep on walking Suit”. I looked around for this Suit, hoping that I too would snigger at them, however I then looked down at my black blazer, shirt and neat pencil skirt and quickly realised that I was the Suit that they were laughing at.

But to be honest it wasn’t the fact that I had moved on from being the poor-but-happy-and-fulfilled uni student to the Gordon-Gecko-wannabe-“Suit” that really disturbed me. Rather it was the fact that I couldn’t think of a timely, witty response to which they’d all turn around with shocked faces and then another passer-by would walk by, stop and shout out in an American/MTV announcer’s accent, “you guys just got burrrrrned”. It’s so frustrating.

And of course, I started to think of the best comebacks as soon as I’d walked passed them. That’s always when you think of the best comebacks – immediately after the event but long enough after to make turning around and saying something seem a little petty (and slightly out of context) thing to do.

This always happens! Someone pushes in front of you at the post office? AH! Two hours later I think to say “there’s a line you know”. Someone in a queue for the cash register looks down at you as you are buying a coat and says “I just have way too many camel-coloured coats like that”? AH! 45 minutes later you realise you should’ve said “I thought it was too warm to be wearing all of your camel-coloured coats at once. Oh you’re not? That’s just fat? My bad”. Someone sends around an inappropriate work email rating all the women on the floor out of 10? AH! 2 days later you realise you should’ve sent around an email rating all of  the men on floor with a note that the ratings are denominated in inches and had to be rescaled to be a score out of 3.

But this is where emailing you comes in handy! Because whilst I might not possess the ability to make timely, witty retorts, I can still make them at some point in the future, email them to you and possibly post them online. So to the wannabe, hipster, clearly bludging “youths” that called me a “Suit”, please find below a list of potential retorts that I could’ve/should’ve used. You may not have received them today, or even tomorrow, or even next week, but one day when you’re bored of your retail job and hipsters are no longer fashionable but just the name of a bad cut of jeans that keeps making a comeback despite associations with plumbers crack, muffin tops and cutting off blood circulation in your legs…anyway one day you will find this. And you will cry:

(1) I may wear a Suit but at least my name isn’t Sidebottom [Dammit! Stupid side thoughts dampening my retorting style. Ok concentrate!]

(2) I’d take my suit over your ex-paedo cardigan any day [Hmm getting better]

(3) Your words are about as relevant to me as a shower is to you.

(4) “Faux-op-shop-clearly-from-General-Pants-crap-hipster-plaid-shirt-that-kinda-smells-of-crap-and-sweat”….Oh…I thought we were shouting out what the other person was wearing

(5) I’m glad you noticed the suit, one day when you’re working at my dry cleaners I’d like you to take extra special care of it

(6) You owe this suit. Without it I wouldn’t have a job, without a job I wouldn’t pay taxes, my taxes wouldn’t be redistributed by the federal government to departments such as Centrelink and Centrelink wouldn’t be paying you a Youth Allowance which is usually reserved to help financially disadvantaged, actual ‘youths’ work and study, rather than being given to deadbeat adults whose parents still pay for their skinny jeans, plaid shirts and lens-less thick framed glasses, to hold midday BBQs and drink beer. So why don’t you stand up, try to remove that park bench that seems to be permanently stuck to your arse, and go do something useful with yourself.

Ah! That feels much better….That’ll do pig, that’ll do.