Making the most of your annual leave allowance

I am about 80% sure that Kim Kardashian is actually pregnant in her butt. Seriously check out the pictures! Her tummy looks a little larger than usual but that could easily just be post-lunch bloating. But her butt? Her butt has expanded to such a size that one can only assume that she is either nesting a baby in her butt, hiding the lost city of Atlantis in her butt, or using her butt to store divorce papers for more fake marriages and sex tapes for future publicity. That said, despite my significant medical credentials gained from the illustrious institution of Google searches, anatomically I’m actually not sure if it’s possible to give birth out of your butt...also a side note: I highly advise against Googling “Giving birth + butt” on your work computer. 

Anyway clearly, as you can gather, I made the stupid decision to not create a miraculous four-day-weekend and am at work the day after a mid-week public holiday. As expected, the office is so empty it has tumbleweeds rolling through the corridors and there may or may not be a wolf roaming the corridors, hounding to further remind me that I am all alone….then said teenage wolf turns into Michael Jackson and starts dancing the ‘Thriller’ dance….no that doesn’t actually happen at my work, but that would be so cool!…I’ve even had time to wander down to Southbank and take the “Stress Test” offered by the kindly misguided Scientology people. Unfortunately when they started asking me questions I kept asking questions like: “Should people who have really random hair colours like purple or orange or blue, colour coordinate their outfits?”, to which they told me to go away.

I’m not really how I ended up here. For some reason I suddenly turned into some fire-breathing, fierce gatekeeper of my own annual leave and decided I didn’t want to give up my preeecious annual leave. Massive fail…..[Note: I hope you appreciate my ability to seamlessly make Lord of the Rings pop culture references without having read or watched it…if I ever do read or watch Lord of the Rings, then please pull the plug out of that atrocious CGI decoy of myself because that’s not me and I’m probably trapped in Kim Kardashian’s butt having been sued by her for defamation.]

Now I’m not usually of the ‘Annual Leave Hoarder’ brood but having once slipped into dreaded negative leave territory where I (for once) actually became an asset to the company [haha hope you liked that little accounting joke], I have since become quite frugal with my annual leave. What am I saving it up for? Who knows.  I once met a true Annual Leave Hoarder who had managed to accumulate over 150 days of leave. Whilst other people would say “wow that’s so awesome. You could like quit and then they’d have to pay you so much money!”.  I didn’t know quite what to say….”Congratulations, you haven’t had a holiday in almost 8 years”? “Well done, but you do realise that trips to the toilet don’t count as a ‘break’”?

Then of course there’s the philosophical opposition to the Annual Leave Hoarder….the people  who have mastered how to maximise the annual leave/public holiday/days-in-lieu combo and squeeze every weekend for what it’s worth. To these Annual Leave Masters I can only salute you. THAT is how you work. Hahaha Annual Leave Masters and Hoarders sounds like a really bad computer game that you’d give a uni student before they start complaining about their hours. Anyway admittedly I do have one issue with this the ALM clan – there’s a fundamentalist sect within ALMs who are so fanatical about maximising leave and minimising work, that they annoyingly manage to also create additional holiday leave out of study leave. I get that you need time to study for your CA/JD/CFA etc. etc. but for fuck’s sake whilst I’m doing your work as well as my own, don’t simultaneously post pictures of you sunbathing in Belize on Facebook. I know it’s great that you’re sticking it to the man but let’s face it, when the only person really affected is me, you’re not really getting your message across.

Anyway on that note, I’m going to go back and ask the Scientologists about giving birth out of your butt – they should know, they’re scientists right?