On Saturday, as I was driving home, something incredible happened. As a serial radio-channel-surfer-especially-whilst-driving-because-I-hate-radio-ads-particularly-ones-about-how-effective-radio-advertising-is-because-it-clearly-isn’t…[dammit or maybe it is given that’s the only radio ad that I remember…that and that “hulllllloooooo it’s Frank Walker from National Tiles” fuck I hate Frank Walker and his fucking tiles]…anyway as a serial radio channel surfer, the last thing I ever expect to hear is more than two songs that I enjoy. But on Saturday, the stars not only aligned but the whole universe seemed to form one massive congo-line of positive, astrological energy which filtered into my radio channel…Over ten uninterrupted songs were all songs that I enjoyed and listened to regularly. It was as if the radio frequencies had been crossed and for that moment I was magically gifted with the opportunity to listen to the radio station usually reserved for Utopia. It was beautiful.
But of course it was not going to last. I knew this, but what I didn’t expect was that the cosmos would not only bring me back to Earth but kick me in the guts as well. I was listening to Triple M [note I only listen to Triple M in the PM, or “post misogynist” radio shows…haha yeah you like that one right?]. As expected, being a commercial radio station, they finally crossed to ads but not before the announcer said in a deep husky voice, “you’re listening to Triple M….VINTAGE”. And just like that one second I was dancing amongst the clouds whilst the sun was twinkling at my toes, the next second I was free falling, without a parachute, through a sky of flying baby piranhas that were chomping on my increasingly cellulite-y legs – falling face first into the reality that I am getting old.
Obviously I’m not that old [Note: I’m not actually going to speculate on what ‘old’ is given that when I was 16 I thought that women over 25 should absolutely not wear mini-skirts but now that I’m here, I really think that if we can, we should own that look and we can stick it to that 16 year old little shit.]. However the sudden realisation that my music tastes have remained stagnant enough that I’m now relegated to my own special radio show was worrying – what’s next, my music gets played on Mix FM or even worse….GOLD FM?
But I should’ve known that this was happening when I went to the Future Music Festival [Note even my use of “the” in introducing Future Music Festival is also indicative of old people dagginess] anyway I spent the entire festival either scoffing at disgusting ‘I’m going to regret this’ tattoos which invariably involved dice, cards or some sort of visual representation of gambling and taking risks….you know because getting two large dice and “Play to Win” tattooed across your thighs with a needle during a no doubt excruciating tattoo session definitely means that you’re winning….anyway if I wasn’t analysing other people’s tattoos, I spent the rest of the time trying to avoid having any contact with anyone’s youthful but no doubt disease ridden, protein filled skin. The music was good but I still couldn’t help but feel really out of place.
It just feels like I’m stuck in the middle. You get scoffed at by younger people for asking what happened to JTT and Josh Hartnett, as if to find the answer to that question you’ll need to find a stone almanac of history because JTT and Josh Hartnett were popular pre-internet time […as an aside, wtf happened to them?]. Anyway you also cop it from older people for being so young – a form of abuse that either manifests in verbal form (admittedly after I’ve made some joke about old people) or it forms as an abuse of power by being put to work to fix all sorts of technological issues for them. It just feels like I’m that kid in Primary School that gets to skip a grade but then finds themselves too smart for their age group, but too young for their year level, so then they’re just left playing on the monkey bars by themselves (oh sad face!).
Now I’ve heard all wise words about getting older – that I should just accept and enjoy getting old, you get wiser when you get older, getting older is like being a fine wine, getting better with age…but the fact is I can’t tell the difference between goon and 5 year old wine and I don’t want to wait, I want to drink that wine in one night, from a bag and not wake up with a headache that lasts to 3pm two days later. I want to download movies and TV shows like normal people and not spruik how “awesome” Apple TV to my friends. I want to never wake up early enough to have brunch, and so avoid waiting for 3 hours at some trendy new brunch place.
But the worrying thing is that I can’t pinpoint when this change happened. I can’t figure out when I seemed to lose touch. What is going on? Are young people subscribing to some secret newsletter so that they always know what’s going on? How do I get back on this mailing list? Please someone let me back in! I promise not to ask any questions about what happened to Josh Hartnett and JTT. I promise to get a sleeve tattoo. I promise to where denim, bum shorts with Cons. Just let me back in!…