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Preganant women make me want to hurl

Minor incident in the bathroom which was disappointingly not poo related. Was in the cubicle doing my business – which includes not only bodily fluid excretion but also concurrent playing of Fruit Ninja on my iPhone – and the sensor lights went off because I had been sitting on the toilet for too long playing Fruit Ninja! Apparently my slashing of fruit was not enough movement for this stupid sensor to detect. So I was left to buckle up in the dark and slowly make my way to the bathroom sinks by touch…you know, to gather as much bathroom bacteria on my hands as possible before washing them. Worst was that when I started to make obvious movements it didn’t turn on. Only when I flamboyantly waved my arms about did it turn on. But this happens to me way to often, therefore I’m beginning to blame the sensor light for being sexist about how long a lady should take in the toilets, totally irrespective of any dilly-dallying done whilst sitting unencumbered on the throne. It really doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway another thing freaking me out this morning is the number of pregnant women on the floor. I wouldn’t really call it the “biological clock” that starts ticking as I observe all these women, but more the blatant fear of the fact that such a large mass can only exit via one hole. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but the thought for me personally honestly makes me want to vom. Plus its so outy…the belly that is. Like “oh there’s the formerly really fit Simone…(2 seconds later) and there’s the end of her tummy”. Based on my estimate of her walking speed, I’m thinking that the aforementioned 2 second pause will mean that Simone’s belly is approximately 1.4m in radius. I could even make an index out of this. Ie. plot radius of ginormous tummy on one side and classify “Vomit Level” on the other side by estimating the distance of vomit projection at the thought of having a tummy of ‘x’ radius.

Its not the actual child part that freaks me out though. That I think I can handle once I come to terms with the fact that its a “permanent” part of my life that’s unlikely to be updated…like my colon or something. I guess its omnipresence may get a bit annoying though. Its like you make plans to go meet T to go sit in the park and talk smack about all the people that walk past in their faux hipster gear but then this other person has to come along too – no ifs or buts because its not just yours in the property law sense, its actually yours in the genetic make up sense. What if they’re all self righteous and disproving of our judgments? Major drainer!

Hmmm no actually it’s the child part that’s annoying too. Plus it starts off like an alien inside your tummy. Like this annoying heartburn that can’t be treated with Mylanta. Its such a bizarre thing to happen. Anyway I think the conclusion here is I’m clearly too immature to contemplate pregnancy for me personally.

About Arani Satgunaseelan (78 Articles)
Corporate nerd. Wannabe blogger.

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