Anyway I was walking beside this man and I just happened to catch his conversation with what looked like a work colleague [yes my powers of deduction are so amazing I’m pretty sure Detective Olivia Benson is going to ask me to come down to the Special Victims Unit and replace that annoying Munch guy, because let’s face it, if your name is also an adverb you were always going to be a crap cop]. Anyway this man says to his work colleague possibly the biggest waste of words ever muttered by a human in the history of mankind….yes he said “Ummm do you think I should get a salad or dumplings?”
Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK. ??????
Ok leaving aside the fact that he compared salad to the Official Food of Gods, dumplings [seriously I’m pretty sure that the Gods of All Nations were at a meeting trying to sort out some fundamental differences in their scriptures, but then they had a lunch break and the amazing catering served them dumplings and all was forgiven….not really but they did decide to make non-pork dumplings just as nice to accommodate for differing beliefs]. Anyway this stupid guy basically violated what I’m pretty sure is a basic rule for survival as expressed by Charles Darwin himself – that is if you’re deciding between salad and another food item, the answer is ALWAYS the other food item! Sure if you’ve firmly in your mind decided on salad for lunch, then that’s fine – you will get salad. But when there’s a choice….who ever picks salad? Even if you’re unsure and you’re deciding between salad and a piece of warm tarmac from a freshly laid road, I can almost assure you, you’ll choose the ….well maybe you might eat the salad in that instance, but I can assure you if that salad contains rocket [ie. The salad leaf that tastes like petrol] then I most certainly will choose the tarmac.
Anyway the point here [yes apparently there is one], is that despite good intentions, the man ultimately was just trying to fool himself and fool his work colleague into thinking he could say no to dumplings and say yes to salad instead. He was a phony to himself and to the world. And it is here that I must so effortlessly segway into apologizing for also being guilty of being such a phony [ooh yeah a segway that even Darryl Summers is applauding right now]. You see, in my last post, I declared that “I’m back” and was all excited to tell you more inane and stupid stories …but that was 8 months ago and I never wrote a thing…I lied.
I could think of many excuses for being so neglectful such as getting married, moving cities, changing jobs…but the reality is that between my last post and this one, I spent about 2 days laboring over this post and about 8 months and 29 days procrastinating by deciding on a new name and design for the blog without actually changing any of the content…actually I wrote a new About section and stuck in some pictures (drawn by moi of course), but really this is just the same shit with a different cologne. [I feel like now I need Bryan Adams to come out and sing ‘Pleeease forgive me…I can’t stop loving you’ just as the song steps up a chord for extra power-balladness and then all is forgotten…]. Anyway I think if you approach this new recut as being more like ‘Taken 2’ (ie. Same plot, different setting and slightly shitter), and less like ‘Mask 2: Son of the Mask’ (ie. Just all out shit), then I think we’ll be on the same page.