An award worth theory about the male species

Feminism in any shape or form of theory has always existed but I do feel like in the last year, its prominence has expanded 10 fold. Maybe it was the 2012 Australian politics year which was riddled with so many attempts by politicians to be perceived as being more feminist and pro-women, that I felt like I was well positioned to ask both parties to organise a golden chariot drawn by the ‘faceless men’ of each party to take me and every other woman to work every day, and I think they might have considered my proposal if it meant I’d vote for them. Or maybe it was the ever increasing citing of social media as an accurate source by Fairfax newspapers that gave voice to so many more women.

I also felt that women themselves are more at ease embracing feminist views and openly advocating for them. It feels like feminist theory and debate is alive and kicking. Its great! But I must admit, this led me to think why have there been no masculinist theories developed? Surely for those equalists amongst us, there should be a similar study into the male form? 

Never fear, I’m more than happy to put forward my very relevant and important, completely unsubstantiated, uneducated theory for the benefit of all males. I feel particularly qualified to develop this theory – given so many white, privileged males have opinions about feminism, I think it’s very fitting that a brown, institutionally underprivileged female, make her opinions on this particularly subject heard.

To conduct my research I only have to look around me – rather than feel my usual feelings of being held against my will in a figurative prison of testosterone and immaturity called an investment bank, it occurred to me that I could use this opportunity to study the male form. Observe their mannerisms, their interaction with each other, their eating habits…I’ve never really had this opportunity before.

Performing some ‘tests’ on a subject…it’s all very scientific, right down to the nerdy glasses:

In my up-bringing at an all-girls school, I was taught that there were ultimately only two options for how I approach my formal education:

(a)Work hard and further my career prospects by studying teaching, medicine or law; or

(b)Find a rich, private school boy and marry him.

Of course feminist theory suggests that there has been an increasing prevalence of women choosing option (a). The aforementioned white, privileged males who feel well placed to comment on the choices of women, seem to suggest that this trend towards option (a) is having a terrible impact on society and is the likely cause of broader issues such as an ageing population, lower birth rate, stress on the healthcare system, the economy, global warming, Shane Warne’s physical appearance, and of course we made Lance Armstrong take drugs. But what these commentators do not realise is that the problem really has nothing to do with the increasing opportunities afforded to women or any feminist theory – rather it’s the simple fact that the prospect of having to marry a rich private school boy is far more painful than eight years of continuous study.

Anyway now, as I sit here and conduct my research, I think I’ve come up with a pretty remarkable theory which I’m sure will be my ticket to getting a hit on Google Scholar before I die. There’s a lot of science that’s gone into this theory – you know, lots of experiments involving brightly coloured chemicals boiling out of test tubes, long fancy Latin names for things, computers making cool robotic computer sound effects – so I won’t bore you with all the technicalities. In essence, my new, revolutionary theory is very simple and derived from the fact that boys have an inherent genetic mutation (also known as a Y chromosome). As a result of this mutation, every single boy must either:

(a) Do one really, really stupid thing in his lifetime; or

(b) Live a life of continuous stupidity

Purportedly my theory of the male form is that all boys are stupid.

Now I know you might be thinking that this isn’t exactly the equivalent of feminist theory, but what can I say – I don’t dictate the result, it’s just science!

Obviously no theory would be complete without case studies to demonstrate its application (note that to avoid any bias, I have excluded case studies where the male involved is inebriated. Including these would make my correlation too statistically significant if there’s such a thing). Anyway in my research over time I have observed the following examples of my theory:

(1)    Aged 3: E, was watching his mum set the table for his 3^rd birthday party. As he watched her, he got increasingly hungry. His mum set him down for just a few minutes to check on one of her dishes and when she came back, E had eaten the entire block of butter (approx. 500g) laid out on the table. E never ate butter again.

(2)    Aged 5: M, painted his middle finger bright pink nail polish, not to make any profound statement about challenging gender stereotypes but rather he painted it so that he could remember which finger was his rude finger. You know, because in the heat of the moment when you’re a 5 year old and want to give the bird to that kid that took the swing off you, you’re going to need a clear, bright reminder.

(3)    Aged 13: E, was waiting for his soccer opponents from another school to arrive. Bored, he began to innocently scratch a marking in the ground with his foot, carving up the dirt not really thinking about the direction of where his foot is going. When the other school arrived they refused to take to the pitch given what E has scratched on the ground. In a moment of pure stupidity with no ill-meaning actually intended he has managed draw a swastika on the ground. The opponents were from a Jewish school.

(4)    Aged 15: S, who like many teenage boys, was trying to do as much as possible to get a girlfriend. As part of his strategy, he thought that finely coiffing his hair with enough gel to glue to Tasmania onto the mainland, was actually a good look. His pants were also worn so low that he served a dual purpose of sweeping the floor when dry and mopping it when wet.

(5)    Aged 18: K, decided the best way to get his trolley full of groceries from the supermarket entrance to his car, was to sit in the trolley, give it a little push and hope that the seemingly slight slope to the road would drift his trolley and his groceries towards his car. K ended up breaking his collar bone, leg and a perfectly good dozen eggs.

(6)    Aged 20: D, a law student and self-professed ‘rich kid’ who decided to run his escort service not from a secret location so as to protect his identity, but from his college dorm room. After being discovered, he used what little he had learnt at law school to threaten everyone who knew about his double life with a bogus defamation suit. Needless to say there are restrictions on being able to sue a whole city.

(7)    Aged 24: E (yep still the same E), went on a walk along the beach with his girlfriend. The setting was perfect – the sun was setting, the waves were crashing in, and they were standing on the end of a pier with E hugging his girlfriend from behind. There is a quite a strong wind and E had the sudden urge to test the strength of this wind whilst still holding onto his beloved. But his method of testing the wind’s strength was his failing – he spat into the air, and as a true test of the winds strength it swept up his ball of spit and flung it right back in his girlfriend’s face. How romantic.

(8)    Aged 35+: Whilst their days of doing physically stupid things are nearly over, the older male must resort to other avenues of stupidity. Here he thinks that relying on his incredible brain and stating views about EVERYTHING, he can continue his life of stupidity.  This has been particularly the case with males who have had access to a public platform (Kyle Sandilands, Sam Newman, Paul Henry, Andrew Bolt are some names that come to mind). Unfortunately his genetic mutation fails him and rather than making comprehensive, meaningful arguments, his mouth seems to act as just his second arsehole.

As you can see, my theory is very well developed and substantiated. This theory for the male form, should hopefully provide males out there with much more hope that one day they will be recognised as the stupid, double-arseholed beings that they are. And if you’re not convinced by my theory, then think about every boy you’ve ever known and you’ll probably only remember them for doing something stupid.  And if you’re still not convinced then you’re probably a boy and too stupid to get it anyway.