Some of the best ways to quit your job

So the more and more I talk to other analysts about work, it really hits me that no one, not one single person likes being there. Its pretty amazing when you think about it. You go through 12 years of school, studying hard so that you get the marks to then do another 5 years of uni, studying hard so that you can get the job that you think you deserve. I’m sure I’m not the only one to say that after 17 years of “studying hard” and just plain slogging it out the last thing I’d want is to then have to spend the next 30 years of my life at an investment bank were every morning the decision between going to work or being subject to water boarding, is a close one. I really shouldn’t joke about torture though, even though I’m pretty sure investment banks cite Donald Rumsfeld and his philosophy that sleep deprivation is not torture, in justifying making analysts continually work 20 hour days. Anyway it made me also realize that I spend an unusual amount of time fantasizing about how I’d quit work. And these are not just throw away “here’s my unexpected notice and I quit” type fantasies, no these are quite well developed in their thinking. Here are a few:

Big arms: Given the open plan office and clear-windowed-meeting rooms, make a mockery of this faux attempt transparency. When I tell my director I’m quitting in one of these meeting rooms, I stand up, pace around, and of course make big, “I can’t believe this shit” arm movements…but I must remember to control myself and ensure that one of my big arm movements doesn’t actually end up being something that could be construed as punching my director in the face in the eyes of the law.

Surprise pack: When doing a classic page turn with my director that starts at 11pm on a Saturday night, include one mark up that he certainly didn’t expect. As he flicks through countless company profiles, that you’ve done to make him more knowledgeable, but are going to be deleted given they don’t actually add any value to clients, throw an extra slide in – unformatted, ugly as hell but with the easiest message to sell: “I quit”. The more angry you are it could be “Fuck you” then on the next slide “I quit”. Add some dreaded animation in too – the single letter, fly in so the message really lingers. And of course, most importantly remember to have a double space between the two words. Try picking that one up bitch!

Soundtracks: I’m a big fan of movie soundtracks and have even bigger wish that a soundtrack could accompany my life. Anyway, potential soundtracks that if it could be arranged, I would have playing as I walk out would be Lily Allen’s, “Fuck you”; Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive”; and of course Jessica Simpson’s rendition of “These boots were made for walking”….of course with the last choice it might be even better to actually be wearing boots. I realize that my choices are lame but hey, to make it more interesting I could just get my local 8am-fluoro green-leotard-wearing, blonde tranny to sing as I walk out the door.

Penguin suit: That point where you’re pushed to your limit. Your director asks for just one too many mark ups and ineffective changes that you lose it. A red haze descends over you and you see and feel nothing. You walk out, go straight to you computer and type out your resignation, then walk straight back to you director and hand it to him. You’re on auto-pilot. You’ve dreamed of doing this so often that the moment is finally here and you don’t even need to think. Finally to tip it off, you come to your last day of work dressed as a penguin. You know because whatever. Why not!?

Carpe Diem: Finally (and perhaps my favorite option) is to make a loud speech to my director on the open floor so that everyone can hear. But this speech will be so pertinent and resonate with so many people on the floor that as I walk out they feel overwhelmed with inspiration, stand on their desks and salute me…”Oh captain my captain”. Ok so maybe to execute this one I’ll need to send out a few preliminary prompting emails but how awesome would it be!? haha   Ah sadly this dream needs to come to an end. The harsh reality of actual work awaits.