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Why eating blackberries is way better than using a Blackberry phone

I’ve just managed to eat eight punnets of blackberries. Yes eight. As a result I’m slipping in and out of a food coma and I think I can see Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka fading in and out of my sub-consciousness, telling me I’m such a greedy child and asking why I can’t be more like Charlie…Fuck Charlie and his rags-to-riches-without-hard-work charade. If I want to eat eight punnets of blackberries, I will!

I don’t know what’s brought on this sudden addiction – it’s an expensive habit as well. Nonetheless, as I lie here beached on my couch, I cannot help but appreciate the fact that my addiction to the blackberry has moved from phone to fruit. 

Whilst you could say this transition was inevitable given how rubbish the poorly made, vastly inferior, phone-maker-formerly-known-as-RIM phone had become, it’s still pleasing that my new blackberry addiction does not come with a Red Blinking Light of Death (yes it’s so obnoxious its deserving of capitals), an inability to have a proper maps function, or a general ban on social media making long meetings without Twitter so unbearable that you start making a game with the Red Blinking Light of Death by blinking every time the red light flashes, so that you can later argue that technically you never saw the red light and therefore never saw any emails arrive.

The other thing is that whilst eating copious amounts of fruit blackberry is nauseating it’s still healthy, but overusing the phone Blackberry is unhealthy and indicative that you’re working too much, potentially not eating well and clearly not exercising beyond small finger movements every second. (Potentially) true story, I once had a manager who became such an excessive user of his Blackberry that he also became a sufferer of “fat fingers”. His emails became so non-sensical (ie. “Pwpeks dos thiskn” would mean “please do this”) that he needed to employ a full time Fat Finger Blackberry Interpreter. But unfortunately the Fat Finger Blackberry Interpreter became so exposed to the constant Red Blinking Light of Death that he had to leave because he became vision impaired as he had this red spot permanently emblazoned on his retina. Poor guy now lives like he’s permanently in one of those photography dark rooms. I’m pretty sure the manager tried to justify it saying that all the small finger movement exercises on his Blackberry had meant that his fingers gotten so big and had taken a body-building life of their own and were now pumping iron and typing more and more emails to bulk up for the next competition…well that’s how he justified continuing to send out a ridiculous amount of work via email…..hahaha now I’m thinking about a finger body-building competition and you dress your fingers with these mini metallic G-strings and have these Arnold Schwarzenegger accents….not that fingers can talk…hmmm ok I think the blackberries have taken me to hallucinogenic levels.

Anyway it actually makes me think that the term ‘Blackberry’ should be exclusively reserved for eating and not a mobile phone device. This would make perfect sense. I’ve only once contemplated licking my Blackberry after it was ‘accidentally’ dropped in a bucket of KFC potato and gravy 2 days before I quit, but that’s the closet my phone Blackberry came to digestion.  And whilst I realise that technology today means that as workers for ‘the man’ you’ll always be contactable, think about this….do you think you can be contacted if your Blackberry is just a squishy piece of fruit? I didn’t think so.

Reserving ‘Blackberry’ for food only would also be much healthier for all involved. It would mean less peering-at-your-phone-during dinner, losing the perennial fear of having to do work, and just more enjoyment of a lovely, healthy fruit! Who knows, by ditching the Blackberry, and eating fruit blackberries, you might then feel so rejuvenated and free that you go outside or go to the gym and not too soon after take up body-building and then at your first body-building competition you might win and just like that you have a new career… and If you do, please remember to dress your fingers in little metallic, G-strings too. That would be so funny/cute….ah ok back to blackberry food coma it is.

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About Arani Satgunaseelan (78 Articles)
Corporate nerd. Wannabe blogger.

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